Perfect Love...

I know you're waiting for love.

You're tired and battered, waiting every day,

But there's a greater plan up above

And your perfect love is on the way.

Your heart has taken hits, it's true.

You cradle it, all black and blue.

You swear off relationships

And you're weary of words from sweet lips.

You know you're brave, independent and tough.

You know that you, alone, are enough.

So you say you don't deserve love and affection

And you become cautious when given attention.

You shy away when we say "Hi".

You remember, always, the pain of good bye.

You convince yourself that you'll never again cry,

And you drown yourself in work, numbness and rye.

Then come days when memories flash back

Of when you were happy and thought it would last.

You fill a tear or two with the pain of reminiscence,

And you shrug it off as days gone past.

Yes, I know you better than you give me credit for;

I've felt anger and bitterness down to my very core;

Felt love die and embraced hatred;

Then built walls and encased myself even more.

I have learnt a few things though,

Nobody is perfect and few come close to it,

But love isn't about finding someone who is perfect

Nor finding good looks, riches or quick wit.

It's finding someone who is perfect for you;

Someone who can be there for you when you're sad;

Someone who can get you through obstacles;

Someone who will reprimand you when you're bad.

It's the 3AM snacking in bed

Watching your favourite toons.

It's the cooking together in your pajamas

And singing together in the shower like a pair of loons

It's the writing of poems just to see you smile;

It's crying over silly dreams knowing they won't judge;

It's the random hugs and late night heart to hearts;

It's the knowing that their eternal love for you won't budge.

You know you want that too

Because that's the love that's meant for you.

It's all of that and so much more,

It's your perfect love that's still in store.

Anger...

Constantly, I wonder if life would have played out differently had I done something else instead of however I reacted to any event at any point in this life. My birthday is coming up in less than three months and I've done some reflecting on this life lived.

Let's start with some light revelations first. Love. I used to know what love meant and used to have it. I never knew much the love of family save for that of my father who raised me and loves me more than I'll ever know. I was lucky enough for find a girl who loved me more than life itself, but that didn't last very long. She didn't make it past her thirteenth birthday. Yet, I held on to that. I held on to the love that could no longer reciprocate and unfairly treated my dad who was caught between being a dad and trying to deal with the nagging from his wife.

You were beginning to wonder where the revelations would come in? Here's one now - I always thought, from watching my dad, that trying to placate the girl was everything, it didn't matter who you'd offend by taking her side; as long as she's happy, that's all that matters. What I realised is that there's usually a minimum of three people in a relationship - You, the girl or the boyfriend, and then someone else who usually always gets in to the picture whether you like it or not. Say for instance I'm trying to take care of my grand mother. I have to juggle between my girl and my grandmother and when I spend too much time on one instead of the other, I run the risk of offending one or the other. Say for another example, I like a girl, but my parents don't like her. I, yet again, run the risk of offending some party. Why is this so? Because that's how humans are these days. They have become so desensitised to everything around them and think that their opinions are the only ones that matter.

Another revelation is this - I realise now that I've been going about things the wrong way. Why do I have to bother if anyone is happy with what I do? My girlfriend hates that I spend my days taking care of my grand mother, she can go find someone else. I take care of my own family and protect those I care about. The rationale behind this is very simply that I've had enough of it all. I was trying to appease everyone and in the end, I felt dead inside.

Dad said something rather interesting the other day. "You keep holding on to all this anger and keep replaying it in your mind and you keep hurting yourself with it...and for what?" That was the million dollar question that I couldn't ever answer. Maybe when I first started doing this there was some valid reason like making all the things that angered me a reason for being somebody good in life. Yeah, it sounds silly, but what did you expect a teenager who grew up in a family full of backstabbing hypocrites to think up? Now that I'm older and not a whole lot wiser, I see that it was all a waste of time and the only ones who benefited at all from me holding on to the pain were my extended family members who relished in watching me suffer.

In a few months, I'll be a whole year older. I don't want to keep living life like this. I don't want to keep having to worry about whether or not what I'm doing will offend anybody. I want to live my life for myself. I want to do what makes me happy. I'm going to pursue my dreams and I'm not going to care what others have to say about it. Now, for society, for those of you who are now forming opinions like "What if the things you love to do inherently offends society?" Or "What if the things that make you happy is taking drugs"?

I really can't be bothered with people like you anymore. If you're arguing with me because you have my interests at heart, you won't argue, but you'll reason it out with me. If you're one of those people who only has comments but not a whole lot of use for me, then I'll say this once and never repeat it ever again - Leave me alone and we won't have any problems, now bugger off. If you're a friend, you guys know who you are, thank you all for being my friends.