It's been some time since I got out of Johor. There is one person I miss. It's rather funny. All those relationships wherein we say to each other - I miss you....yet...here's the one person I hardly say that to and they're the one I miss the most above everyone else.
Yes, it's 3AM in the morning, what else were you expecting me to be doing other than to wax poetic about life, love, and everything in between.
All those relationships...they now seem rather superficial and...vacuous, in every sense of the word. Take one that I was in, for example. This girl thought it'd be a good idea for her to go gallivanting all over Europe for three months and share rooms with other guys, but when I have to take some time away from the relationship to take care of my grandmother, she has a God damned issue with it. The hypocrisy of it all. She can go have her fill of fun and it's alright, I have to take care of my granny and it's a capital offense.
Then there's this other girl. She always knew what just to say to offend. Lord knows why I even agreed to that relationship in the first place. Here's a sample of what she said to me - "After being with you, I realise what I don't want in a relationship". Take a good look at yourself, miss, you ain't the catch of the century. Look, I don't mind pulling out all the stops and treating a gal right. There is, however, a very real issue of diminishing returns. I hate driving, but during our dates, I drove. That, right there, isn't where diminishing returns come in, it's just the beginning. I made sure that she didn't spend during our dates, or, at the very least, didn't spend too much...I can't very well control her, now can I. When I realised she liked drinking a certain beverage too(Malta), I made sure to always get that for her when I could and got extras just so she could bring them back. I tried talking to her about her day and tried to understand her as well as her family. Now, allow me to ask, what did I get in return? She wanted to tag along one day while I had to work and while getting to her place would not upset my plans, I got to her place and still had to bloody wait for her to get ready. Then, en-route to the job, she tells me she forgot her phone, luckily it was just right outside her place anyway, so we made a u-turn back to get it. This wait and detour threw an extra hour onto my plans and I missed the shots I wanted to get for the job. Diminished return. What can I say, that instance and many others made it feel like what I was getting from the relationship wasn't worth the time nor effort.
Don't get me wrong, these ladies I've had in my life, they were caring and loving, and some of them even kept it that way all throughout the relationship...those, I'll be the first to admit, I let them down and should have treated them much better. However, there's so much more to just being caring and loving...and before you start going on about why don't I tell them what's wrong, believe me, I've tried. After some time, I just find it easier to keep quiet. Saves me the effort and the breath. Besides, I find it a lot more effective to give people a dose of their own medicine - she's not putting in effort into the relationship, let's see how she feels when I don't. Note, that's only when talking doesn't get through to them...which, believe me, happens every damned time.
Now, looking at the empty sky outside my window, it's not the memories of a ghost that keeps me happy, nor the way I've been treated well in the past that brings a smile. It's one person that keeps me waking up every day and makes these days here on my own that much more bearable.
If you somehow manage to find this post and is reading this. Thank you. I love you.
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