True Love?

So, my feed is once again filled with "x-things to feel when it's love" or "what love should feel like" or, the most common, "what being in love feels like".

Let's take one of them to see just how attuned such self-professed 'experts' truly are to the human condition.

Here's a list of 11 things creatively entitled "If Your Partner Doesn't Make You Feel These 11 Ways, It Isn't True Love". Shall we take it for a little test run to see how well it'll hold up against the MASSIVELY VARIED definitions of love that currently exists?

I think I shall, so without further ado, let's crack on with numbero uno(number one, in plain, ordinary English).

1) This person should make you happy.
-Right, while Mr. McDonalds makes me happy whenever I have a Double Cheeseburger or for that matter, Wendy's with her Double Baconator, it doesn't make me wanna marry them straight away and furthermore, I think they're in it for the profit rather than the customer satisfaction in this age of consumerism.
-Also, Hideo Kojima, Shuyo Murata, and Hidenari Inamura are the writers of Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, and playing it made me happy that they were born in the first place and are able to grace this world with their abilities, but, again, it doesn't make me want to marry them. Therefore, it is totally possible to have someone make you happy in an unrelated "I'm-so-not-going-to-marry-you" kind of a way. Furthermore, it would be a tad too far to say that it's true love that I feel for these people who make me happy.

2) This person should make you excited about life.
-Herein lies the worst criterion of all. Consider this, your pot dealer supplies you with something that once consumed will make you excited and happy about life. Is it true love then that you and your dealer have?
-Surely, when the new iPhone comes out, that'll have you not only excited about the phone but about how it'll benefit your lifestyle and hence, by further extension, your own life. Now, that being said, why didn't millions of you go marry Steve Jobs when he was alive; surely he made you excited about life, didn't he?
-This is why this criterion is shit, why is it that YOU should be the only one to feel excited about life? Yes, millions of you probably wanted to marry Steve Jobs while he lived, but the bigger question is - will he want to marry you.

3) This person should make you feel at peace with yourself.
-So, this person should make me feel...basically alright with what you've done with your life and your life choices thus far....I know just the person who is so chilled with what I've done so far that he'll give me a high-5 when I see him. Oh, he's called Jesus...maybe you've heard of him? He's kind of a big name usually celebrated around the 25th of December. Now, I wonder why I can't marry him....hmmmmm

4) This person should make you feel secure
-This one is easy enough to knock. Go marry a security guard, there's security for life. Failing which, you can always consider an engineer husband. The work hours suck but at least there's the reassurance that, if and when required, he can build you the safest house you'll ever need.

5) This person should give you hope
-This is broadly defining teachers for some absurd reason. You know those teachers you grew up with who'll teach you and impart just enough knowledge to give you hope that you can pass in this hopeless world? Judging from the last part of my sentence, I obviously had some eye-openning teachers rather than those who inspired hope. Nonetheless, lesson learnt - go get it on with a teacher.

6) This person gives you courage
-EASY = Jack Daniel's. Ever felt the need for some of that 'Dutch' courage...or any sort of courage at all?

7) This person should spark your curiosity
-Now, this is a weird one in that the person should only 'spark' your curiosity. There is no mention as to whether he has to sate your curiosity. That said, you're essentially on a lookout for "The Riddler" as your future husband. Good luck to you there and don't mind me while I sign you in to the nearest asylum.

8) This person should make you feel comfortable in your own skin
-This might be a bit of a no brainer but surely the best person to have me feel most comfortable in my own skin would obviously be me, myself, and I. Who else might one consider to make them feel comfortable in their own skin? Is there some sort of after-sales support for humans who have skin that God didn't quite measure on their bodies perfectly before sending them to earth...hang on, that's probably why "The Body Shop" exists, it all makes sense now.

9) This person should make you feel lucky
-I'll say it right now, 'feeling lucky' and 'getting lucky' are two totally different things. Also, you should probably stay away from guys who own pets named "Lucky" and then later get you to feel "Lucky". That being said, the only charming guy I know to have asked if anyone was feeling lucky was "Clint Eastwood" and his catchphrase of "Do you feel lucky?"

10) This person should make you feel worried
-This....would be all of my students. Let me be one of the millions of English teachers the world over to say that everytime I look at my students' exam papers and their answers, it fills me with worry to no end.

11) This person should sometimes make you feel sad
-Refer to my response for number (10).